Keep Away, Sister! You'll Get Me Read!
by Jane Ellen Fairfax
There was no denying it. Carolyn was a beauty! With her lovely auburn
hair amplified by perfectly-matching extenders, immaculate makeup, soft, sultry voice, and
carefully cultivated mannerisms, she was the very picture of a lady. Not
surprisingly, Carolyn was proud of her ability to pass in public. So it was hardly
unexpected when she approached the organizers of a Holiday and demanded, "Keep
the group away from me. They'll get me read!"
Passing has always seemed to me a sterile pursuit. Most crossdressers feel hurt when
they hear derogatory comments from people who read them. To some extent, then,
attempting to pass is an understandable defense mechanism. Even so, the concept has
always struck me as selfish and intellectually dishonest. Some criminals attempt to pass
counterfeit money as real. Crossdressers are not, and should not try to be,
counterfeit women. But there is nothing bogus about our femininity. It is real!
Our ability to express our feminine potentials is a true gender gift. Why
hide it?
Recently, however, an insidious and cruel element has crept into our community, one which
threatens the very foundations of support groups. Some "old guard" types
are actually suggesting that novice crossdressers be excluded from outings because they
will get the group read. Not only is such an approach futile, it is disgustingly
heartless to sisters most in need of support.
Such behavior is not only insensitive, but futile. Buoyed by wishful thinking, most
crossdressers convince themselves they pass better than they do. Even very polished
crossdressers have little imperfections in their presentations. When a group of them
go out in public, these little defects magnify one another, and the whole group usually is
read. So why not lay aside ineffectual attempts at deception? Why not be
satisfied with achieving the best possible feminine presentation, and go out and meet the
public?
Nor does the crossdresser intent on passing accomplish anything toward the cause of public
education and acceptance. If he should pass, who, except for his ego, is the better?
If he does not pass, he misses out on some golden opportunities to educate.
Instead, he does our cause real harm by inviting ridicule not only for being a
crossdresser but also for being unable to blend successfully.
But it is on the unfortunate novice that the most destructive effects fall. When a new
member emerges, she approaches the chapter with much trepidation. Perhaps she has labored
for months on her feminine image, hoping her sisters will find her acceptable. Her
self-esteem is a fragile flower that a gust of insensitivity can easily blow away.
Can you imagine the effect of such a boorish remark as, "Keep away,
Sister. You'll get me read"? Her self-image crushed, the novice
will probably retreat back into secrecy, never again to emerge.
Every Tri-Ess sister should be aware of this destructive behavior and do everything in her
power to discourage it. If chapter peers make it clear that excluding sisters from
outings is unacceptable, the offenders may find it advisable to pursue their social
deception in more appropriate settings. Nurturing the newcomer and the less-skillful
sister should be a high priority for everyone in Tri-Ess. Should an attempt be made
to exclude a sister from an outing, mature sisters should speak up immediately and
emphatically, inviting her along and reassuring her that her presence is desired.
While the group will be read, peer support will facilitate the adjustment of the
inexperienced sister. Having enjoyed the outing, the new sister will want to become
more and more a part of chapter life. Doling out positive reinforcement between
meetings also helps the novice build self-esteem, and warms the heart of the giver.
A little love cancels out a lot of thoughtlessness.
Now back to the story of Carolyn. Although her sisters felt hurt by her request to
be left alone, they honored it. Some time later I was en homme in the hotel
restaurant, dining with a colleague, when Carolyn, aloof and supremely confident, strolled
past. "Well, would you look at that!" exclaimed my colleague.
"That's a man!"
Support or self-indulgence? The choice is clear.