Ask Mary Frances
by Mary Frances Fairfax
Dear Frances,
My husband is only 46, but for the last few years, he has lost
all interest in sex. I found out about his crossdressing ten years ago, and
I'm still having problems with it, especially since he'd rather spend time in front of his
computer "chatting" with his "sisters" until two in the morning! When
I approach him more than once a month, he says I'm oversexed! This can't be normal
for a man his age, transgendered or not. I've been wondering about crossdressers
possibly having low testosterone levels. Is this true, and if it is, has anyone
tried hormone therapy (testosterone, not estrogen)? I'd slip it into his breakfast
juice, if I thought it would help!
Signed: Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Many have speculated that lower testosterone levels are a
factor in "causing" crossdressing. As far as I know, the research data available
does not confirm this. The persons tested all were "within normal limits."
What could additional testosterone do for them, should we slip
it into their orange juice? Heightened aggressiveness, somewhat coarser skin and
hair, deeper voice, and (perhaps) more of a sex drive, are possibilities. This would
depend on the individual, the dosage, and myriads of other factors. It's not likely to
regrow hair in bald areas. It could cause old-fashioned teenage acne to reappear.
It could make them irritable and even harder to live with. The effect we
wives would be looking for (renewed sexual energy that is focused on us) is the most
problematical. If there is some physical problem affecting sexual performance, such
as prostate enlargement, for instance, more testosterone will make it worse.
Mental/emotional attitude is more important than most physical factors,
anyway, where sexual function is concerned. Some men (not just crossdressers) are
self-centered (to the point of being narcissistic), and some are obsessive-
compulsive. While crossdressing itself is no longer considered pathological
behavior, narcissism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and impotence in the absence of
physical disease are recognized psychiatric diagnoses for which various therapies do
exist. In simpler terms, crossdressing itself cannot be "cured" because it
is so closely linked to elements of the personality, but other recognized disorders that
are sometimes associated with the crossdressing can at least be treated.
But let's hang onto our hats, ladies! Before reaching for
that secret herbal blend, (or prescription drugs, for that matter), make sure he has a
thorough check-up to rule out any physical disease. If he is already on drugs for
high blood pressure, for instance, that could definitely be a factor. Check with his
cardiologist. He's too embarrassed to see his regular doctor? Send him to someone
else, such as a urologist! Then see a counselor for help in sorting out
personal and relationship issues. Whether he's willing to acknowledge it or not, he
does have a problem, and it will take both of you, working on it together, to make it
better.
Another factor involved in his lack of interest may be his
feelings of injury and rejection, stemming from your failure to jump for joy when
you found out he was a crossdresser. When what is so important to him is such a
turn-off to you, hurt feelings are normal enough. That alone is a powerful killer of
sexual desire. What is wrong is his failure to empathize with your feelings, which
anyone should realize are at least as bruised as his. Some people let themselves
harden into punishing, withholding, manipulative types whose pride won't let them
apologize and start over. But we have to watch out for ourselves here.
Sometimes we are the ones guilty of this!
One last thought. All together now, ladies: We - are - not -
oversexed!