"How can I muster the courage to tell my wife about my
crossdressing?
Will she reject me, or even leave me?"
These questions trouble many crossdressers. In communicating with their wives, they use a variety of methods. How a crossdresser informs his wife directly influences the wife's response to his "woman within." Based on observed patterns of wives' responses, several suggestions come to mind. Naturally, no one approach can be guaranteed to work for any given couple. My suggestions will read like a Manual for Love.
Should a crossdresser tell his wife about his crossdressing? Almost always! Revealing his feminine side shows a belief in the sacred trust that is the basis of marriage. The decision to hide his femininity entails a willingness either to submerge the "woman within" or to spend much time and energy deceiving those he loves. Submerging the feminine self, moreover, simply does not work. Mounting frustration leads to subconscious resentments, which are dumped on the unsuspecting wife in the form of unrelated quarrels. This suffering hardly seems fair to the wife, who was given no chance to understand or accept. Thus the crossdresser may precipitate the very divorce he fears. It is true that informing a wife will occasionally lead to divorce. But if so, the marriage was usually in poor shape anyway. Ralph Waldo Emerson's concept of a friend was "someone with whom I can be sincere." The crossdresser's wife must be his friend. Before sharing his feminine side with his wife, the crossdresser should have a reasonable insight into his own feminine self. Such insight may be gained by studying the works of such researchers as Drs. Vern Bullough, Richard Docter, Roger Peo, Virginia Prince and Peggy Rudd. Publications such the Femme Mirror and the Sweetheart Connection are excellent sources of information.
The crossdresser should take care to avoid certain approaches that have resulted in much grief. A wife's response is largely determined by how she is informed of her husband's crossdressing. Most wives respect honesty; indeed, they are entitled to it. Some crossdressers feel it less threatening to understate their crossgender behavior as a mere "hobby." Perhaps it may seem so over the short term, but wives later feel deceived when feminine traits emerge that transcend the "hobby" concept. Other crossdressers simply allow their wives to discover their feminine clothes. The natural wifely reaction to this copout is to feel betrayed by her husband's "unfaithfulness." When the wife discovers that the "other woman" is really he, she feels made to appear a fool. And guess who will be the target of her resulting anger!
As crossdressers we should stress one central fact: We are more than our clothes! Far more important than the clothing is the fact that we are males who have been fortunate enough to discover a softer, feminine side to our personalities. Crossdressing, then, is simply a means of self-expression. Deep down, most women dislike the "macho" standards under which males in our society are raised. Women tend to be sensitive and empathetic, and appreciate these traits in men. They appreciate the concept of expressing mood and self-image in what they wear. At various times, they may feel "pretty" or "sporty" or "sexy" or "outdoorsy" or "elegant," and dress accordingly. Surely it is logical for them to reject the double standard that denies men this freedom of expression.
The crossdresser should present his "woman within" as a positive asset. For she is! Feelings of guilt, placed on crossdressers by an ignorant, hostile society, have little place in the vital process of communication between the crossdresser and his wife. How can the crossdresser possibly ask his wife to encourage "her" when he himself has trouble accepting "her?" Before revealing his feminine side to his wife, he should take note of the differences "she" has made in his life. Has "she" made him more careful of his appearance, more free to express his emotions, more sensitive and empathic, more understanding of his wife's feelings and needs, and more aware of color and beauty? Has he developed new interests and skills? Has he grown closer to God? As the crossdresser shares these assets with his wife, she will realize that her husband is still the same dear person she fell in love with and married. He has only grown.
Communication with our wives should be an exercise in empathy. Always we should strive to put ourselves in our wives' place. Fears of homosexuality or transsexuality should be dealt with honestly - as soon as possible. Concerns about children, job, and life goals should be explored together. Our wives are our partners. Regardless of our desires, our wives and families will have to bear the social cruelty that can come with having a crossdressing husband and father. Many wives, moreover, will be troubled by inner conflicts that are every bit as important as our own. Most of them did not ask to be placed into this maelstrom. It is our sacred duty to communicate with our wives, to make decisions with them, and to understand them.
Sharing our feminine side with our wives does not end with mere words. As we live our femininity, sharing continues. Rather than try to outshine our wives, we should grow with them in the feminine experience. Of course, there are some things such as menstrual cramps, childbirth, and breast feeding that we can share only vicariously. The best we can do about these biological functions is to respond in love. Unless we live full time enfemme, we may never know wage discrimination. But we can join our sisters in fighting it wherever it exists. Being a crossdresser entails some sacrifice. We must avoid retreating into a macho double standard. Nothing seems to disgust wives more than a "man in a dress." Much more important than perfecting feminine mannerisms is developing a lively appreciation for beauty in nature, art, music, and literature, and, yes, those very feminine skills of cooking, sewing, interior decorating, housecleaning, and grocery shopping. Our wives will be much more encouraging if they perceive that we are willing to buy, as far as is possible, the whole feminine package.
Finally, we should remember that our wives need us as men. Everyone has heard the tired refrain of rejecting wives: "I married a man!" So many times it has been used to imprison men in society's masculine straitjacket. Yet it has a modicum of validity. We, who are more secure than average in our masculinity, should provide the masculine strength our wives need from us. That includes letting them, as far as they can, participate in the masculine side of our lives. It means being considerate husbands and devoted fathers. If we fulfill well our roles as husbands, our wives will grow more comfortable with us as sisters.