"But I'm Not A Lesbian!" - One Couple's Solution
by Mary Frances & Jane Ellen Fairfax
Jane Ellen:
"No, you may not wear a nightgown to bed!" cried Claire at her
husband Johnny. "Silk and lace on you are a big turn-off! When we make love with you
in a nightie, I feel like a lesbian. I married a man!"
All too often, in boudoirs around the world, this scene is played out. Johnny has crossed
a boundary that is very important to Claire. Perhaps it threatens herself-image as a woman
who is attractive to a man: "I must be terribly inadequate as a woman, if he needs to
be Joanie in bed. It's almost as if I'm competing with another woman - and losing!"
Sometimes crossdressers wonder why their once-tolerant wives become less supportive. How
they handle these very real feelings can determine the fate of their relationships.
Incredibly, some crossdressers reply to these fears with insensitive statements attacking
their wives' feelings as homophobic! One still sees in the gender community press
occasional references to "male lesbians" - which helps not at all. We can
pontificate - or we can seek relationship-building solutions. While no solution can be
guaranteed for every couple, the following process worked for us.
When I first discovered my desire to crossdress, I spent three weeks at the medical
library researching the subject from every possible angle. From the literature I concluded
that the term "heterosexual crossdresser" best described me. Taking long walks,
I tried imagining Jane's reaction to various encounters. Certainly Jane would like a man
to open doors for her, or compliment her appearance. Having a debonair gentleman kiss her
hand - why, that would be nice, too. Dancing with a man? Here crept in feelings of
discomfort. Making love to a man? - No, thank you. But what exactly was Jane's sexuality?
Was she a lesbian? What was I to tell my wife?
Then came the solution! Already I knew that I was just one person. "Jane"was
simply the name I gave to the feminine side of my personality. The whole person who is me
is a male attracted exclusively to women. Jane lives in my body; Jane's sexuality was
mine; the subject was moot! Sharing this insight with my wife helped her to the conclusion
that whether dressed as Gil or Jane, I was the same person - the same man - she married.
Thus reassured, she was able to express her love for me, regardless of how I dressed for
bed. Since the identity is the same, she calls me "Jane" in private, a loving
expression of acceptance that means a lot to me. I, in turn, have reaffirmed her
femininity and attractiveness. Mutually secure in each other's love, we have enjoyed
freedom to explore the breadth and depth and height of our love. What a life-experience we
have built together!
I'm in love with a wonderful woman!
Mary Frances:
And I'm in love with a wonderful man! His qualities of empathy and
sensitivity make up a large part of that romantic man I married. Very early in Jane's
process of emergence, I told my husband, "You are the same person I fell in love with
and married so many years ago. Jane is just a further development - a new facet - of an
already fascinating, multi-faceted person." And no matter what he wears to bed, he's
still my husband.
My acceptance of Jane was made much easier by several factors. In the first place, Jane
began to emerge only after many years of marriage. The crossdressing was never kept hidden
from me, and open communication at every stage kept things in perspective. There was
little of that unilateral escalation, that "pushing the envelope" which can be
so destructive to a relationship. And, as Jane affirmed her femininity, she also
reaffirmed mine. She was never my rival. To repeat, I'm in love with a wonderful man. (And
his "sister" is pretty neat, too!) Too many wives, however, are not so
fortunate. I've heard their stories and felt their pain as their husbands, having revealed
their crossdressing, proceeded to run amok. Wives were pressed to come to terms
immediately with gender issues their husbands had unsuccessfully struggled with for
decades. For many wives, the bedroom represents that "final frontier" they dare
not allow "her" to cross. To permit "her" in their beds spells the
loss of "him." This fear of loss and abandonment is primal. To dismiss it as
somehow "homophobic" is the grossest of insults. Besides, if one's sexual
preference is innate, how can she be faulted for hers? Is she to be
"re-programmed" to find "her" attractive and desirable? Hardly! When a
husband has just shaken his marriage to the core by revealing a long-term pattern of
deception, and perhaps causing his wife to doubt his sexuality, how can he blithely
proceed to call his wife's sexuality into question as well? Only time, patience, and
tenderness can bring a wife to tolerate, ignore, or perhaps one day learn to enjoy
"her" trappings in bed. An attitude of "I want what I want, and your
feelings don't count" is the complete antithesis of the mutual love and respect that
should prevail in a loving, committed marriage relationship. Such an attitude rules out
communication and compromise. It denies not only her sexual dignity but her human dignity
as well.
Perhaps an illustration from a Tau Chi Chapter program of some years ago will help convey
some of the instinctive fear and revulsion many wives feel at the notion of their
husbands' "dressing" for bed". A local Houston helping professional, a
therapist with extensive experience in dealing with sex and gender issues, had been
invited to present the evening's program. Chapter members and guests gathered to munch on
goodies and awaither arrival. One chapter member brought an unexpected guest, a man
wearing a 3-piece,western-style suit, boots and a moustache. It took those assembled some
time to realize that "Sam" was actually the featured speaker, dressed "en
homme." Her true identity revealed, Sharon asked the crossdressed men present to
imagine their wives or girlfriends suddenly expressing a lifelong desire to dress in male
clothes, complete with cotton boxers, unshaven legs, G.I. haircuts and false moustaches!
Stunned silence prevailed as Sharon approached Vicki.
"Pretend I'm your wife, Vicki," Sharon said very sweetly.
"Uh, O.K.," Vicki replied, unconsciously shrinking back.
Purred Sharon, "I'm ready for bed, Dear," putting her arm around Vicki's
shoulder.
"I have a headache!" blurted Vicki.
We all had a good laugh. I hope we all got the point. How about it, ya'll?