Telling Your Children
by Jane Ellen Fairfax
The first principle about telling the children of your gender gift is that
there is no principle. To our knowledge, no one has done prospective studies on the
consequences of telling, or not telling, children. It does not appear that telling
children about crossdressing encourages them to take up the practice. For many years, we
have worked with families struggling with this issue. A few observations have occurred:
1) The very worst time to tell a child is adolescence. When a child is struggling with his
own emerging sexuality and gender expression, the last thing he needs is to have a
parent's sex and gender issues thrust on him.
2) Most people decide to tell their children on a "need-to-know" basis. If you
are going to be involved extensively in the transgender community, and be out and about,
it is probably best to tell your child. In this way, you will have control over what he is
told, and how. If someone else tells him first, you will have not only the crossdressing
issue, but also the thornier issue of trust to deal with.
3) Much of the child's reaction depends on whether the parents present a united front. If
your wife is encouraging and supportive, this factor will work for you in a big way.
Children want first the secure knowledge that any given factor will not disturb the
stability of their family. When the father tells them about the crossdressing, their first
thought will be, "What does Mom think about this?" Just as with other aspects of
parenting, mother and father must present a united front.
4) You may be surprised if you get some sort of non-committal reaction from the child. The
news may be overwhelming. You should not push too hard, but you should re-expose him in
low doses so that he does not go into denial.
5) If he has another supportive relative with whom to talk over these issues, that is all
to the good.
6) How the child does in the long run will depend on the fruits crossdressing bears in his
life. He will need his father for a masculine role model. Crossdressing should not
interfere with his social life. The crossdresser's desire to "be everything he
is" should not prevent the child from bringing his peers home. Nor should the
crossdresser try to force his values on his children's friends.
7) If you have any security considerations, we would advise meeting them by stressing to
your child the impropriety of "telling other people your business." One doesn't
tell peers, teachers, or even other family members, what salary Daddy makes, or what he
occasionally likes to wear.
8) Depending on his or her age, a child may or may not have fears that he will lose you as
a father. If he does, reassure him if you can truthfully do so. You are his father,
regardless of what you are wearing.
9) Love. Where children get plenty of this commodity, they do not tend to blot it out
because of crossdressing.
10) As always, you do well to stress self-expression rather than the superficial clothing.