Dealing With Escalations
by Jane Ellen Fairfax
"Help!!" pleads a distraught wife. "He is undermining our
marriage! First, he wanted to dress around the house. Then, it was time to join a support
group. He pressed until I agreed to go with him. Now, even that isn't enough! He is out in
public this way. He has started electrolysis, got his ears pierced, let his hair grow and
now he is even talking about hormones. Our friends say he is starting to look effeminate.
Stop the whirl! I want to get off!"
What causes crossdressers to run amok, to wrap themselves in the "pink cloud,"
to enmesh themselves in the toils of gender euphoria? Part of the answer lies in personal
pride. Discovery of the gender gift is very fulfilling and the crossdresser wants to share
"her" joy with the world. "She" wants to push aside restrictions based
on ignorance so that "she" can feel free to explore and express her femininity.
Like many crossdressers, I am proud of Jane's emergence and want to share "her"
with the world. My wife and I cope with this desire by playing a game with a minor
escalation. I know I cannot appear enfemme at my very conservative church. It's
frustrating to have to live with this restriction while I educate people. I know, however,
that people are more easily educated when they are not feeling threatened. Two years ago I
discovered a deep pink lipstick that will pass if applied lightly. When I apply a little
too much, my wife warns, "Too pink, Jane!" and I kiss her hand until the color
is passable. So I get to wear lip color, my wife is happy and folks at the church are not
distracted while I educate them about the more important truths of crossdressing.
Contentment all around!
Sometimes running amok is based on just plain selfishness and narcissism. A self-centered
person, like Captain Preppie, is constantly looking into a narrow mirror and seeing only
himself. Oblivious to the feelings of those around him, he maintains his right to do
exactly as he pleases. He is rather like one who is given a bowl of ice cream, gulps it
down without savoring the taste, and looks around for something else to eat. Having
blasted his way out of secrecy, he embarks upon a wild ride over the ups and downs of
crossgender development, while those who love him hang on for dear life. When family and
friends are tired of being chevvied about by his ego, they opt off the gender
roller-coaster. Now our hero wails that he has lost everything and looks about for
sympathy for "poor me." He gets no sympathy here.
To this person I would say, "Take your time; there is no rush. Savor each step in
your feminine development, but stay in the real world, where your loved ones are. Get 'Me'
off the throne of your life and put God onto it. Look around you to where your treasures
are. You can develop femininity while enjoying the love and respect of your family.
Concentrating on your gender gift to the exclusion of everything else is like admiring one
petal of a rose. There is so much more to the flower of your life. Find it, respect it and
enjoy it!"
A third factor in escalations is the peer pressure and unintegrated testosterone rampant
in the gender community today. While women are frequently content simply to enjoy
"being," men are constantly striving to "become," to advance faster
than their peers. If a little femininity is good, then a lot must be better. Escalations
are masked under such favorable terms as "development" and "growth."
But what kind of growth is it that expands in one dimension and contracts in another? To
deal with peer pressure, a crossdresser must heed the advice of the Lion King, Mufassa:
"Remember who you are." Once you judge life decisions by the fruits they bear,
peer pressure is so much hot air. Let it blow.
It is not sufficient for a crossdresser to remember who he is. He must also remember where
he is. How often have I seen crossdressers affect a more than androgynous appearance and
tell me no one has noticed. Employers do notice. They may or may not say something about
the "new image." The crossdresser does not realize his employer's feelings until
the time comes for that sought-after promotion and he is passed over. Friends and family
may not want to interfere, but may find reason to avoid the crossdresser and his family.
While he floats in a "pink haze," his family down in the real world feels the
pain. Crossdressers should have a comfortable space to explore their femininity, but
families need a comfortable space, too. Surveying and setting boundaries for those spaces
are the bases for communication and negotiation between the crossdresser and his wife.
Whenever I am tempted to escalate, I recount my position in the real world. In order, I
am:
1. A servant of God.
2. A husband who loves his wife.
3. A father to two wonderful sons.
4. A physician.
5. A masculine person and a feminine person.
Nothing toward the bottom of the list can endanger anything higher in priority. Suddenly,
pierced ears don't have such an attraction anymore. Of these priorities in my life, I will
never let go.