For many wives, coping with crossdressing is an ongoing ordeal, made
worse by our husbands' behavior in areas having more to do with character than
crossdressing itself. Our experiences point out that it's not just the initial sense of
betrayal we feel when we first find out "THE SECRET" - for some, it's the
ongoing nasty surprises, the unnecessary deceptions we catch them in. The problem is,
they've spent a lifetime building up these elaborate patterns of deception, and even when
we accept them and they no longer have to hide anything, they find old habits die hard.
For some, even, the deception is part of the thrill they get from dressing and going out.
It's the"forbidden fruit" syndrome, or an even more primitive adolescent
rebellion."You can't tell me what to do!" Did I say "adolescent?" Make
that read,"two-year-old!"
The business of staying out till 3AM or all night, however, is a lot more serious. Coming
home when agreed, or calling in if plans change, isn't a matter of an adolescent having to
obey some arbitrary rules. It's a matter of common courtesy, at the very least, and could
be a matter of life and death. Running the streets with God-knows-who, going
God-knows-where, has never been a particularly smart thing to do, and in these times, it
can be fatal. If hubby doesn't show up by the next morning, you don't even know where to
start looking! Too many women and girls disappear around here (Houston) every year as it
is! We have all these abandoned buildings, uncultivated fields, brush, trees, beaches,
bayous.... and Bubbas! What are you supposed to put on the Missing Persons Report?
"Last seen in drag at the ______ Club?" The problem is, these GUYS forget that
when they put on feminine clothes, they are putting on our vulnerability. In jungle terms,
they suddenly become not the predators, but the prey species. They take risks none of us
would dream of taking, forgetting they are not Mr. Superman when wearing heels.
The most exasperating, frightening phase in a crossdresser's life (for his wife) is the
"Gender Euphoria" stage. It can strike suddenly, at least as far as we are
concerned, who cannot know how long things have been percolating in the crossdresser's
mind. It tends to show up once they've told us "THE SECRET" and we've not shot
them dead on sight. They take our acquiescence as permission to do what they've been
longing to do for years, so they go on shopping sprees, go out en femme as often as
possible, and even start experimenting with hormones, electrolysis, and such Internet
fantasy scenarios as playing "single lesbian" in chat rooms. They are so taken
up in their "Gender Euphoria" they lose track of time and of common sense.
Here's where their peer support group should administer some kind of "reality
check.". Sometimes, though, the peers can be more a part of the problem than a part
of the solution. It's so important to know who the crowd is he's running with, whether
he's a crossdresser or not!
I realize we're not all coming from the same level of experience or acceptance. We're all
unique individuals, in unique relationships. On the one hand, we should not let ourselves
be pressured into more "acceptance" and "tolerance" than we're ready
to handle. (And there's things we should NEVER tolerate!) On the other hand, by staying in
denial and refusing to communicate, let alone participate, we forfeit our chance to have
input at critical junctures in his life. It's ironic that when he's most euphoric, we're
often least likely to be ready to deal with it in a constructive manner.
That's when books and articles, our own local peer groups, SPICE, and the CDSO forum can
help bridge the gap.