Where Is All This Going?
by Mary Frances Fairfax
"You tell me you like to wear women's clothes. What does this mean?
For you? For us? For our family? For our future?"
These are questions that wrack wives trying to come to terms with their husbands'
crossdressing. Like after-shocks following the initial earthquake, these questions and
their answers realign the shattered fragments of there relationship into new
configurations. Will these be stronger than before, or unstable rubble incapable of
supporting a lifetime relationship structure? That will depend upon the degree of honesty,
openness, and unselfish love each brings to the marriage.
"What does wearing women's clothes mean to you? Are you gay? Will you be leaving me
for a gay lover?" Considering popular social stereotypes, this fear is obvious and
deep-seated. The basis of marriage is its exclusive lifetime commitment. An affair of
whatever kind breaches that commitment, shatters trust and brings the frightening specter
of disease as well as abandonment.
"Does this mean you want to be a woman? Will you opt for sexual reassignment and life
as a woman? Where will that leave our relationship? Will we retire together some day as
two little old ladies?" This, too, raises the specter of abandonment, and the loss of
cherished dreams of a future life together. Those dreams are of life with a husband!
"Does this mean you'll want to change your body to make it more feminine? Will you be
wanting to shave your nice hairy chest and legs? Grow your fingernails longer? Let your
hair grow? Have electrolysis to remove your facial hair?"
Obvious physical changes present more immediate fears. They broadcast tangible evidence of
his "difference," to his wife and to the world. Family, friends, co-workers, and
children will begin to notice little clues. How will he answer their questions? How will
she? She's the one they'll ask! Has he even thought about it?
"Will you want to take hormones?" How will he get them? From a
"friend"? From Mexico? From one of "those" doctors? How does he plan
to check his blood chemistry? Cardiovascular disease kills more men his age than anything
else, as it is. And suppose he "succeeds", and develops some breasts? How will
he explain them the next time the family goes to the beach? Fear of eventually losing him
to transsexualism is eclipsed by the more immediate fear of losing him to a heart attack
or stroke.
In most cases there is yet another specter of loss. A wife may be willing to forego her
own dreams and live out her life with an openly transgendered husband, but what about
their children? Children need their father. Fatherlessness is the leading cause of social
pathology today. Will their children's future be sacrificed? Who will be there to give
their daughters in marriage? Whom will their sons bring their fiancées home to meet? More
immediately, will their daddy be there to watch their sports events? Take them camping?
Model healthy manhood?
Then there are fears of economic loss. Will he lose his job if his boss finds out? Will
the family lose their home? Has he thought of contingency plans? What is his vision of the
future? Does it include his wife and children? Just where is all this going?
Where All This Is Going
by Jane Ellen Fairfax
Our love and our devotion
Were deep as any ocean.
Then one day, like the tide, you began to change.
And you became - a perfect stranger.
-"Losing You"
Losing us! Many a crossdresser's wife lives in fear that a stranger, once her life
partner, will announce, set-faced, that he is abandoning their relationship. How I wish I
could dismiss those fears as groundless! All too often, however, I have seen them
justified by reality. Unless a transgendered person is a primary transsexual, there is no
reason he cannot spare his wife the loss she fears.
"Why," ask some wives, do I have to be the one to control the
crossdressing?" Good question! Crossdressers can and should do their part to define a
mutually satisfactory role for crossgender expression in a life-committed relationship. To
reach a solution requires that we reaffirm our marriage vows and place "our"
needs before "my" wants.
It all starts with love - the love that will not see its object hurt. Most honest
crossdressers can set general boundaries for crossgender expression. These boundaries will
create a "safe estate" in which a couple will be free to explore and accommodate
each other's needs.
According to a recent study, over 82% of crossdressers are exclusively heterosexual. Early
on I was able to reassure Frances that my crossdressing would not affect my sexual
orientation. Like most crossdressers, I am one person - a genetic male attracted to women.
The question of Jane's sexuality thus became moot! Freed from that fear of loss, Frances
and I were able to define a place for Jane in the sexual aspect of our marriage.
Establishing a "safe estate," crossdressers can also assuage the fear of loss to
sexual reassignment. Here, a little mental "elbow grease" is required.
Sometimes, the crossdresser can fantasize the various aspects of life as a woman, and ask
himself whether he would be happy if his male self were destroyed. Attending a long
convention and staying enfemme for a week convinced me that my masculine side was
valuable.
When Frances asked me whether we would eventually retire as a couple of little old ladies,
I honestly did not know. She did know, however, that she would not lose me to sexual
reassignment, and that I was totally committed to sparing her hurt. Fortified, she was
able to resolve with me specific questions of how much feminine expression I needed.
Giving our relationship a "safe estate" saved us a lot of battles.
In dealing with specific questions, Frances and I concede each other basic rights and
serve as each other's advocate. She knows Jane is a precious part of me. Because she loves
me, Jane is precious also to her. When questions of expression arise, she always tries to
say "Yes" to Jane. Even when she must say "No," however, she usually
finds a way to reaffirm Jane's worth. "Society," she may say, "is just not
ready for that."
Frances, like most wives, needs me as a man, so I try to see that Gil is there for her.
When the subject of hormones came up, we let our love solve the dilemma. Jane wanted
breasts, so Frances wanted her to have them. Yet my love for her would never put at risk
our sexual relationship, or risk a premature death. Premarin creme plus molding with a bra
provided Jane with small but feminine breasts and heightened sensitivity, while
safeguarding Frances's needs for a functioning husband.
As the years have passed, we have found many beautiful things in our relationship. Because
I have her active approval, I have felt less the temptation to push Jane into areas that
might threaten our marriage. My establishing a "safe estate" has left Frances
free to explore and accept even more. And so love begets love, and growth begets growth -
for both of us. Effecting a safe estate requires insight. But insight does not happen
without honesty. The crossdresser needs to perceive where fantasy ends and reality begins.
This means facing head-on some stark truths.
Crossdressers are not two persons, but one. Society has not reached the point of full
acceptance, so bosses, children's peers, friends and relatives may be less than enamored
with crossgender expression.
Sexual reassignment will usually yield a result that is less than perfect, and the
Y-chromosome can never be erased. Hormones can net breasts and skin-softening, but carry
the risk of life-threatening side effects and obliterate sexual function.
In Genderland there are plenty of people who will tell the transgendered person what he
wants to hear. Rejecting such self-delusion, the crossdresser must insist upon the truth.
For his decision will mean happiness or misery for his wife, his children, and himself.