What Do Wives Want?
by Mary Frances Fairfax
What do wives want, anyhow? The "Wives' Bill of Rights" gives some idea, but is
by no means all-inclusive. In essence, what wives want from their gender-gifted mates
merges into what all women wish they had in their relationships - love, respect,
consideration, emotional as well as physical support, and to be valued as human beings on
an equal basis with men in the larger society.
Of course, "what women want" should be balanced by "what crossdressing men
want." But it is really the same thing - mutual respect, love, commitment, trust,
consideration. In all fairness, women can be just as selfish, uncaring, uncommunicative,
and downright stubborn as their men. Again, what we are talking about is not so much
"gender" issues but relationship issues,even human ethics issues, if you will.
Moving back into our gender focus, however, I'd like to address some matters that are
particular issues for wives. Women, far more than men, have their existence defined within
a complex matrix of relationships - family, church, school, work, and social
organizations. The revelation that her husband is a crossdresser generates shockwaves
throughout her matrix, shockwaves that threaten to shatter everything in a woman's life.
The mutual trust that is the bedrock of a marital relationship is shattered by the
revelation of "the secret." "If he has concealed this, what else has he not
told me?" Can this trust be painfully rebuilt, and the wife grow toward acceptance of
crossdressing, under the looming specter of homosexuality and/or transsexuality? When his
"gender expression" leads him to associate with those who embody his wife's
worst fears? In an environment she would not care to enter in broad daylight? Among
"good ol' boys indresses" whose peer pressure has him behaving as he did when
single? When his "little escalations" become telltale clues to co-workers and
relatives?
These are some of the issues underlying the "Wives' Bill of Rights." Enumerating
them as "rights" at least informs women (and their gender-gifted men) that
options exist other than "the back of the gender community bus."
But, once informed of these rights, wives must act on them. In an earlier article,
"Joining a Local Support Group," I attempted to set some guidelines. However,
that article assumed the wife reading it was at a level of acceptance where attending
local meetings was being considered. All too often, we don't get even that far. We engage
in classic denial behavior, from "I don't want you to do it, period!" to "I
don't want to know aboutit, if and when you do it!" to "Yes, you may go out
Saturday night, but I'll never, ever go with you!" to "He knows better than to
go clubbing in that part of town!"
Sometimes our denial leads us to pick and nag about the hair and nails that are "a
little too long," while ignoring the cancer eating away at the vitalsof our
relationship.
Our denial unfortunately denies us access to influence over our mates andtheir gender
organizations. Too often, by refusing to accept his need for crossgender expression, we
drive him toward what we fear most. By refusing to attend meetings with him, we
essentially forfeit any voice in the philosophies and programs of his group. Show up, get
acquainted, join up and speak up!
For the past ten years Tri-Ess has accorded us full membership privileges. It is Tri-Ess
that has proclaimed our needs no less important than crossdressers'. Tri-Ess's
"family orientation" has given us S.P.I.C.E., the first and only conference to
specifically address our needs. Tri-Ess has gone to bat for us, and has taken a certain
amount of flak for doing so. It's up to us to avail ourselves of these resources, however.
Let's participate, not hibernate! If we don't articulate our concerns, they'll go on being
ignored. If we quietly nurse our wounds, privately mourn our losses, passively move to the
back of the Genderland bus, how can we expect anything to improve? Let's each of us
encourage one another to step out of our own closets and speak up for ourselves, our
children, our husbands, our relationships. Denial is a dead end detour. Silence Equals
Death. Let's network. Let's encourage our Tri-Ess leaders who are working on our behalf.
Let's let our love for our mates and children win out over our fears. Love is the bottom
line. Love, much more than "rights," is what we want.