Chi Upsilon Iota Tri-Ess

Why Do I Crossdress
An introspective essay on what makes me tick

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Why Do I Crossdress

An introspective essay on what makes me tick

Why do I crossdress?

By Rae Louise Wall

Why do I crossdress? The answer is as easy as why do I breathe? Or why do I eat? I do these things because I need to. For me, the outward expression as Rae Louise is not an option in my life, but rather it is a need that I simply can't ignore like breathing or eating.

Not crossdressing to me is paramount to being trapped in a cold dark prison without walls. I see those around me free to express themselves in whatever manner they see fit, be it frilly skirts, or capris, Brooks Brother suits or t-shirt and jeans. I can look but not partake in expressing who I am. When I can't crossdress I am in that prison and it is almost unbearable. Then those moments come and I can express myself. Suddenly the prison is not so cold and dark and the need for that escape tunnel fades as I see the main door is open and the daylight beckons for me to venture out. I leave my prison and I am free, if only for a short time.

I currently have the opportunity to fully express myself on average two times a month. In between, like many others, I wear female underwear (panties) and female slacks. This helps to quench the desire at times, but when the rhythm is broken I know it. If I go three weeks without being able to fully express myself I find that I am digging that escape tunnel, trying to free myself from the cold, dark prison without walls I am held captive in.

Am I a "female trapped in a man's body?" No! I am a guy who has a burning need inside that can only be quenched by wearing what society has told me for years is inappropriate for a male to wear. Am I a woman when dressed? No, I am Rae Louise, a feminine version of my masculine persona that I truly enjoy presenting. For me it is fun to crossdress. To watch the transformation from a middle aged slightly paunchy male into a middle aged curvaceous (albeit full figured) image of a content feminine image is very therapeutic to me. I often have stood in amazement at the image I have seen in the mirror or in a picture, wondering how I was able to present such a different image of who I was born as.

When I am crossdressed I am content and comforted with what I see. I feel natural and whole. When I am crossdressed I feel like that part of me that has been hidden and stepped on for so many years finally has a chance to be expressed and the joy that comes with being set free shines through my eyes. The smiles are genuine, the laughter, the tears shed while crossdressed are cleansing to my soul.

Likea close friend named Sandra Stewart said when asked this question, I also feel like I am this way for a higher reason. I am learning that reason and using this gift to help those around me who are still caught in that cold, dark prison without walls. I am here to show them the escape tunnel is not needed, but rather simply hold their head up and walk out the main gate and enjoy life as it as intended to be enjoyed.

I crossdress because I need to! For to me, not crossdressing would cause that vibrant, enthusiastic, lover of life in me to die a slow painful death that I can not bear to think of. That is why I crossdress.