Chi Upsilon Iota Tri-Ess

Dear Pastor,
A series of letters between a crossdresser and a pastor

Sept 18, xxxx

Dear Pastor,
I have wanted to ask you this question for a while, but I can never seem to figure out exactly how to word it appropriately. Due to the nature of the request, the initial correspondence will remain anonymous.

I have been a Christian for many years and transgender. This is an umbrella term that covers everything from those that are cross-dressers (In general they are motivated to wear and appear in the clothing of the opposite sex to create the image of who they perceive themselves to be) (Dr. Randi Ettner 1999 (http://members.aol.com/rettner/)) to those that are Transsexual and whose gender identity is the opposite of their birth sex. I am happily married and have been for a number of years.

Most of my life as an adult Christian I have been burdened for those who are like I am. The burden is for those who are transgendered. As a young man I even entertained going into the field of counseling to bring help and hope to this group of people that the church has seemingly left to one side. However, I guess I either did not listen then to God's calling, or I simply was too confused my self at the time to act on it. The desire to reach them has never faded Pastor.

Over the past few years of my life, I have come to the realization that there is nothing scripturally wrong with this aspect of my life. This conclusion has been based on study of the scripture as well as investigative research in a number of areas such as:
Gender Tree (www.genertree.com)
Emergence ministries (www.emergenceministries.org/indexframe.html)
Grace and Lace (members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/tgfgnl.html)

A month ago I went to Chicago for the weekend as my "feminine" self. I attended a support group of heterosexual crossdressers that I am a member of called "TRI-ESS" (www.tri-ess.org) and on Sunday, I fulfilled a dream I have had for almost my entire life as a Christian (over 25 years). I went to church as "her." The church is a member of the Metropolitan Community Church group (http://www.mccchurch.org/), and I was welcomed with open arms. As I sat in that service, listening to the music, singing the songs of worship, God reached down to me in a way I have not felt for years. I sat through most of the service weeping finally knowing that God loved me exactly as I was created. It was as if God had waited all these years for me to finally reconcile my 2 sides into one and for me to give both sides to Him. I did that morning in church. It was that Sunday when I also heard His voice talking to me and calling both his son and his daughter. My desire to reach out to the transgendered community was now becoming a burning passion in the depths of my heart and soul.

This past Sunday morning as I sat in service I was singing "Lord it was you" when the same emotions that overwhelmed me last month in Chicago hit again. The words reached into my heart, this time as a male:

I am Your Beloved.
Your Creation.
And You love me as I am.
You have called me chosen For Your kingdom
Unashamed to call me Your own I am Your Beloved.

Again, I knew that God loves me as I am. God created me many years ago for a reason. I don't know why He created me transgendered, but He did and he is unashamed to call me his own. I sang this song recently in church at home and cried again, knowing that God loves me in slacks, or a skirt and heels.

My heart is burdened for the "transgendered" in Champaign/Urbana. Currently there is no support group I know of in the area that meets the needs I am burdened for. There are one or two churches that will openly (from what I understand) accept transgendered as well as the Gay Lesbian and Bisexual community, but the base theology and teachings of them are not consistent with my own upbringing, which brings me to you (albeit anonymously as like most cross-dressers, fear of reprisal is great, even if unfounded) to seek your opinion on this idea.

My desire is to form a small group type support network for Christians and non-Christians in a similar situation and to use it as a ministry outreach. This idea is similar to a small group except due to the nature of it; it would be a closed unpublished group. As you know from going to the Mardi Gras outreach each year in New Orleans, this group is in desperate need of understanding God's love and compassion for them. The outreach would be open to all transgendered people. The goal is to let the transgendered person know they are not alone and God loves them regardless of what they are wearing.
One aspect of this that is important is confidentiality. Many transgendered people are very "closeted" and often even the spouse or family members are unaware of this. As you can imagine, this creates a lot of guilt as the transgendered person is having to "live a double life" and is so afraid of what people will think of him or her.

I am not advocating that the church open its doors willingly and freely so the pews will be filled each week with "guys in dresses", but rather expressing a burden for an overlooked segment of society that I feel Urbana Assembly may be able to help reach for Christ.

The latest estimates, (bourn out by research) is that roughly ten percent of the population is transgendered though most women do not know it. There will be many who will go to a Christless eternity due to a lack of grace on the part of "Christian churches." Christ preached to those who needed his help and were open to it. They were not the "ones in the Pews," they were the ones that knew they need help. This is one of the most open mission fields in the world.

Church is a hospital for sinners not a morgue for saints.

I look forward to your reply, positive or negative, as I fully respect you and your ministry to our church..

In Christ,

A member.

Sept 24, xxxx

Dear Beloved,

Of course there is the wonderful love of God. That is only part of the nature of His being. His perfect justice also demands judgment and penalty for sin. We love the 'love' message but we reject the judgment message. This is what all the liberals believe and teach. All you have to do is look at their churches and see the fruit of their ministry.

Of course we do not promote condemnation but we do embrace Holy Ghost conviction of sin and wrong behavior. The reason you 'felt' comfortable at the MCC in Chicago is because they do not believe homosexuality is a sin -- they just believe it is an accepted lifestyle and have created their own theology on certain passages in the scriptures. Jesus said this would happen in the last days (See Matthew 24-25 and many other passages).

I do not condemn you personally but I do your sin. It will keep you from a personal relationship with Jesus eventually and that is certainly what you want.

I would love to have coffee or lunch with you any time and share more. Again, I accept you and love you as a person but have to abide by the truth of God's Holy Word. My lifestyle has to conform to the Word not visa versa. Also I would like to recommend Steve Gallagher's books and ministry: Pure Life Ministries, www.purelifeministries.org 859-824-4444 All of his books and tapes are good but the ones I would suggest you get right away are; At The Altar of Sexual Idolatry (comes with a workbook), Break Free from the Lusts of this World, The Walk of Repentance, Living in Victory.

Bless you dear one and thank you for writing.

Blessings,

xxxxx, pastor

Sept 24, xxxx

Dear Pastor,
Let me fully emphasize to you that I am not homosexual. I have never been and have no desire to ever be. I am heterosexual.

After reading your response, I feel as if you read my letter and instantly assumed I am living some sort of homosexual lifestyle due to the fact that I crossdress. This is far from the truth and in fact I specifically sought out an organization for support that excludes that lifestyle from its membership. I did that because I am in agreement with you that practicing homosexuality is scripturally wrong. God indeed loves them, but not the sin.

Having said that, I am a crossdresser or transgendered person and a Christian. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation or sexual addiction. In fact, for most transgendered people, it has nothing to do with sexuality at all. Of course there the exceptions. Drag Queens and the type of crowd that attends Madi Gras comes to mind foremost, but overall the majority of transgendered are heterosexual and happy to be that way, with no desire to change ones sex, or to peruse a male partner.

I am well aware of the purelife ministry and what Steve has to offer. I have read some of his material and I have even referred a man I know to them as he has some problems with sexual addiction that has affected his life in extreme ways.

The comfort I felt at the MCC was not due to the homosexual embracing that they espouse (not being of that lifestyle), but the unconditional love that was shown to me that morning as I attended dressed as a female. I have attended church for many years and I have felt the undeniable move of Gods hand on my life before, and that morning in question it was there beyond any reasonable doubt. For days and weeks after that morning, I would pause; reflect on the day and cry knowing how much God loves me regardless of if I am in a suit, or a skirt and blouse. He touched my soul that morning and that feeling is still here.

My desired lifestyle as a Christian is to seek God's divine purpose for my life Pastor. In that regard, I have felt for many years that perhaps God wanted me to reach out to those like myself have been misunderstood and left out of church and Gods wonderful saving grace because we have an intense desire to be (at least for a season) feminine in appearance and attitude. This issue of non acceptance in church, and the fear of "exposure" due to non acceptance and misunderstanding of the situation I face has hindered my spiritual walk. When I came to terms with God, face to face and gave all of my life to him, the masculine and feminine aspects of it, this burden took off. I knew then what I believe He has in store for my life.

One of the reasons I approached you pastor is because I agree that most churches which openly embrace the entire GLBT community are very liberal and in fact, too liberal for my taste. I believe I alluded to this in my letter to you (the comment about base theology). I fully expected you to reply in the manner you did and I sincerely respect your opinion, however I feel that you grossly misunderstood where I am coming from and what the issue of transgenderism is all about. In this regard, I suppose my next course of action is so stop perusing this idea in this direction and instead look into alternative means of ministry support for this.

The idea of lunch and coffee is appealing to me, but I will refrain for now until I am comfortable that you understand (not to be read as accepting) what I was writing about.

In His love,

A member

Sept 24, xxxx

My dear brother,

I did not assume you were/are a homosexual, please forgive me for coming across that way. You never said that in your previous email and perhaps I was to general in my response. I am sorry.

I still would like to meet with you and talk about your desire to cross dress. Do you dance at night clubs with others or in performance for pay,etc.? I think there are many issues we could talk about and get some guidance from the Lord. You see its not just homosexuality that is sin but the whole 'sin of mixing' that can cause us to lose our relationship with Jesus. These are some of my concerns: Christian young adults who do clubbing, watch x-rated videos, do drinking of alcohol, etc. etc. If you have set under my ministry for any length of time you know I am not a legalist but you also know I am strong in my Biblical convictions. Not to turn people off; I love people and love the truth.

Please know I do not judge you as a person but do question your desire to cross dress. What are the roots of this? What joy to get from it? Why do you do it? Who introduced you to doing it? You see, dear one, acceptance is not the basis for truth. Because you were 'accepted' at MCC does not validate the truth of your experience. Our experiences have to be in line with God's Holy Word. That is our standard for all faith and conduct. Not whether we are accepted or not.

It will be very difficult for you to believe I accept you unless you have set under my ministry for a while. If you have then surely you bear witness to my heart of love for people AND the truth.

I think I know who you are. Let me be your friend and let's talk about this. I am all for reaching people of all kinds who are into whatever. We have seen people set free from every type of lifestyle you can think of.

Again, I hope we can talk about issues without your feelings getting hurt. I do care.

God bless,

Pastor.

Sept 25, xxxx

Pastor,
Thank you for the clarification. My initial impression was one of confusion as to your understanding of my letter and made me wonder quite frankly if you had even read it in its entirety.

This time I felt it best to dissect your letter line-by-line, or thought-by-thought.You asked: Do you dance at night clubs with others or in performance for pay,etc.?

My response: The question leads me to believe you are asking if I dance for or with men or perform as a female impersonator. My answer to that is emphatically No. I do not go to clubs, in either mode, as male, or crossdressed. I never have and I never will. The support group I belong to, which is not a "club", but more of a meeting with like-minded people offering friendship and understanding is the only social setting I currently attend. After the meetings there is often the invitation to go to a bar or other venue to relax, talk and eat, but I bow out of them, as I am not comfortable in most of the settings they tend to occur in. I have no interest in the club scene or lifestyle at all. The issue of crossdressing for the most part has nothing to do with sexual urges or sexuality in general. I am a heterosexual male who is a crossdresser or transgender (depending on the definition). I have zero interest in males for anything other than normal male-to-male friendships and company, just like any other guy.

You said: You see its not just homosexuality that is sin but the whole 'sin of mixing' that can cause us to lose our relationship with Jesus.

My response: I still want to know however why you insist on bringing homosexuality into this discussion? I do mot mix beyond crossdresing and currently that is only on a monthly basis at a very upright and well-organized social setting where privacy is assured and there is no improper activity whatsoever. I am curious however as to exactly what the "sin of mixing" means pastor?

You said: These are some of my concerns: Christian young adults who do clubbing, watch x-rated videos, do drinking of alcohol, etc. etc.

My response: I have never been "Clubbing". I admit that like most males in this day and age I have had the misfortune of seeing pornographic content at various times in my life. I am no longer interested in it and have been diligent in keeping from it for a considerable amount of time now. I have prayed and asked Jesus to forgive me of that part of my life and He has. I do not drink, I never have and I never will. The closet I ever get to alcohol is an occasional glass of wine at a family members house, which I nurse for hours as I don't like the taste or smell, but am being sociable. I married my beloved as a virgin in my early 20's and she was also. We have remained faithful to one another since. I will not say how long we have been married. I do not smoke. I tried it once as a teen, but I did not like it and never did again. I have never done illicit drugs either.

You said: If you have set under my ministry for any length of time you know I am not a legalist but you also know I am strong in my Biblical convictions.

My response: This is part of the reason I wrote to you. I admire you greatly. Your ministry is first rate and for that I am grateful. I also know our denomination's stand on many things including (very indirectly) this issue. I know your Biblical convictions and I also share possibly all of them except <grin> the area in question, as there is (from my research) no definitive passage in the Old or New Testament that supports transgendered people as "sinning" due to this trait. There is the infamous Old Testament verse, but I do not want to get into that discussion as it is a lesson in futility and has caused many transgendered grief over laws, we as Christians are freed from. Those same laws prohibit a lot of things that we allow on a daily basis in society all without guilt or shame.

You said: Please know I do not judge you as a person but do question your desire to cross dress. What are the roots of this? What joy to get from it? Why do you do it? Who introduced you to doing it?

My response to this is on a question-by question basis:
Q) What are the roots of this?
A) The roots have been there since my youth. My earliest recollection of the desires to crossdress go back as far as first grade if not sooner. It feels as if it has always been there, the desire to be feminine in appearance, but not female in physical attributes (i.e. a male, who crossdresses).

Q) What joy to get from it?
A) The joy I get from crossdressing is an amazing inner peace pastor. The feeling is a sense of normalcy and balance in my life, as if this is what I should be doing. Jesus can provide peace yes and he does, but this is more of an internal struggle that most, if not all transgendered people deal with. The comfort I feel when dressed as my alter ego is impossible to express to one who does not know. It is almost as if there are 2 people within one and when I dress up, and express that aspect of my life it is creating that balance in my being I mentioned. My entire life has been spent dealing with the compulsion and need to be feminine. At the same time, I am very much a male and am very happy in my masculinity. I have fought off and on this issue and have in the past few years come to accept that this is the way God created me. It took me a while to reconcile the feminine side of my life though as that is not something that is readily accepted in my church of choice.

Q) Why do you do it?
A) The why I do it is truly unexplainable. If I knew why, I'd be able to make a million dollars because, again most if not all transgenders will agree, that we don't know why. I have done research that tends to bear out that possibility that this is genetic in nature dealing with XY chromosomes and hormones during various stages of a pregnancy, but I am not a medical authority. All I can say as to the "why," is that almost every other crossdresser I have spoken with has the same basic story. The cities and faces change, but the story remains consistent. This leads me to believe it is not a choice, but something deeper ingrained into my life and the lives of other transgenders.

Q) Who introduced you to doing it?
A) Nobody did. I knew from my earliest understanding that this desire was there. My family life was not one that would have promoted this nor was I ever coerced or pushed into being a crossdresser. It was just a "normal" extension of my persona. I have had this burning desire since I can remember. I would look at girls, not in lust, but dreaming of how beautiful she was and how lucky she was to be able to have long hair and wear a pretty dress. As an adult I still do not look at females with lust, but with intense admiration for the beauty they possess and with jealousy (tongue in cheek here) over the fact that they can wear pants and a shirt with a very masculine haircut and nobody cares that they are essentially crossdresing, yet let me go out in public with a skirt and I am labeled a homosexual, or a pervert, or a sinner.

You said: acceptance is not the basis for truth. Because you were 'accepted' at MCC does not validate the truth of your experience.

My response: Perhaps we are missing understanding one another on this issue of the MCC. For me, the desire of being able to fulfill a lifetime desire as a born again Christian to attend a house of worship in female attire and worship my Creator freely, was met by an accepting church. I read the tenants of faith they have and I disagree with much of it, however, I sincerely feel that the hand of God I felt that morning had nothing to do with the church and being accepted specifically, although the acceptance put my heart and soul at ease, allowing God to melt my heart and reach in and touch me. I believe it was my ability to release all those years of pent up emotion that allowed me to feel His loving touch. I want you to know if I thought for a minute that I could walk through the doors of our church in the same outfit I wore to MCC (which for the record was very tasteful and modest and in some respects more appropriate for church wear than many of the outfits I see the women at our church wearing) I would be there Sunday morning crossdressed. However, I am acutely sensitive to those around me, and the comfort levels of all people, including my own family. In fact, I contacted this church (MCC) prior to attending to make sure it would not be an issue there. That is how important it is to me to not hinder another person's time with God. Even in a church that openly accepts this. In this regard, I would never venture into our church in this manner for any service where people may be offended due to whatever reason. I believe that God loves me as I am pastor and although I am unable to worship as my female persona at my home church, it does not stop me from worshiping as a male, nor does it stop me from seeking out an accepting house of worship when I feel that my female persona needs contact with the Father as well. My relationship with Jesus has grown exponentially since my church visit to MCC. My prayer life has taken off, I have been discussing Christ's love and acceptance with others more and I have a deeper love for Him than ever before. I have been listening to Bible tapes (I just finished the OT and am in the midst of the Gospels now).

You said: Our experiences have to be in line with God's Holy Word. That is our standard for all faith and conduct. Not whether we are accepted or not.

My response: Again I agree with you. Acceptance by others does not guarantee a persons salvation, but accepting a person as who he or she is, without condemnation is just as important. If you read my earlier response to a question, you will see I am not living a life of "sin," beyond the "normal" sinful life we all live in as humans. My crossdresing is not linked to sexual impurity, homosexual behavior, deviant sexual practices, alcohol, loose living or deceit. I feel sad for those who seek out such shallow meaningless encounters in an attempt to reconcile this emotion and fill the void in the heart that God can and desperately wants to be able to fill.

You said: It will be very difficult for you to believe I accept you unless you have set under my ministry for a while. If you have then surely you bear witness to my heart of love for people AND the truth.

My response: I know you accept me as a person and as a member of the church body. You are a very loving minister and I am proud to be a member of this church. I think your ministry from the pulpit is above reproach. Believing that, if I read your replies correctly pastor, I can conclude that you do not agree with the notion that a dedicated Christian can also be transgendered. I also cannot shake the impression that you somehow equate this issue with homosexuality in some manner, which is disappointing to me as well. I know you speak the truth, as you know it, just as I speak the truth, as I know it. I know who I am and I know in my heart that God loves me as I am.

You said: I think I know who you are. Let me be your friend and let's talk about this. I am all for reaching people of all kinds who are into whatever. We have seen people set free from every type of lifestyle you can think of.

My response: When I initially wrote the letter to you I was apprehensive as to your feelings, so much so that it sat on my computer for possibly 2 months. What I envisioned when composing it was a Christian outreach for the transgendered that would be a model of Christ's love, and acceptance. I envisioned a group that was pure and preached a message to the transgendered that there is hope, while allowing us the freedom to express ourselves in a nonsexual nor immoral manner. I honestly do not equate my crossdressing with the lifestyle that I feel is implied in your letter. I am still very uncomfortable with divulging my identity to you pastor as I still feel that the attempt to "set me free" will be an unpleasant experience I have been through before with other churches when seeking loving guidance and understanding for who I am.

In Christ's wonderful love,
A member

Sept 29, xxxx

My Dear Brother,

Sorry I did not have time to respond to your last email of 9-25. Thank you for your detailed response. Again, thank you for emailing and confiding in me -- you are helping me to grow in my understanding and causing me to read and study on some issues I have not looked into before. God is using you to help me become more effective in ministry to His precious people.

I took the liberty to speak to a professional counselor friend of mine about our email conversations. He is a very dedicated Christian brother that I really respect and value his insights. In his professional work and ministry he has dealt with Christian men who have practiced cross dressing. One man he told me about was a minister, married with children but had never dealt with his cross dressing. The man now runs a ministry called "Cross Over Ministry". I don't know his name but he can be contacted if your interested at (removed).

My counselor friend asked me some probing questions about your childhood like: Was he premature and put in incubator the first few months of his life? How did he fit in with other boys while he was growing up? What do you know about his family? Was his father a part of upbringing and if so did his father display proper affection as a man to his son? Of course I didn't know the answer to these questions. But he says cross dressing is something that Christian men need to deal with and that he would be happy to give you another perspective on it. I think this would be good dear one, so you can allow the Lord to deal with you on any inner heart issues such as acceptance, self-esteem, sexuality, your place in the Body, etc. If you want to talk with him he is here locally and I can give you his name and #. He does charge by the hour for this is career and ministry. He is not condemning and is in fact very loving and accepting. As I mentioned, I greatly admire this dear brother and value his insight and knowledge.

I hope you again feel my love and care for you. I have been praying for you everyday since you first emailed me. By the fact you had your first email in the computer for several months before you finally sent it shows me the Lord is wanting to do something absolutely wonderful in your life. I am praying Proverbs 24:3 & 4 for you!

Blessings,


Pastor.

Sept 29, xxxx

Dear Pastor,
Your sermon Sunday "Helping God's People to Walk in Freedom" was great. The definitions of wisdom, understanding and knowledge were most interesting considering all I have been discussing with you over the past few days. I considered greatly the 3 root causes to all serious problems and I can see where all 3 of them can play such a devastating part of a persons life. I have seen bitterness a lot in my own life as well as many others as it pertains to transgender issues.

I am sincerely honored to hear that I have been able to help you learn things about a subject that I feel has been overlooked and mis-categorized by many people of faith for years. Perhaps it will help you now and in the future when dealing with the transgendered to know we are really just like everyone else except for this particular issue in our lives. My prayer lately has been that God will use me in a mighty way to reach the transgendered with the message of His hope and Love.

The life of a transgendered person can be described as a "living hell" at times. The emotional turmoil we face trying to understand why. The prayers I have prayed over the years could fill volumes. The crying at the alter, the rededications to God, the "purges" (when a crossdresser or transgender rids oneself of all the trappings of the opposite gender) and rededications again, only to find that it is still here and still as much a part of my life as life itself. The guilt that this must be sinful although there is nothing I can find Biblically to support this notion is unbearable at times pastor and often we find ourselves angry at God for making us this way. Often times the transgendered builds his own wall between himself and his Lord because of these feelings. I did for years pastor.

Yet, despite the feelings expressed in the above paragraph, I have reconciled my gender issues before my Lord. I have come to the understanding that I am made in a particular manner and God has a plan for my life. It was that now "infamous" church attending we have discussed that really grabbed my heart and soul for the Lord in its entirety. Prior that it was always 50% as I had my female emotions and persona to contend with and I still fought with the feeling that I needed to give that over to Him as well. I am now 100% Christian. Both sides of my emotional balance are in touch with God and He is teaching me new and great things all the time. This happened at a church, which I know you and I disagree with from a theological perspective as it pertains to the stand they take on homosexuality in the church, but my Father knew what I needed and He made sure that the need in my life was met. And for allowing my to find a church where I could meet that need, and reconcile so many things in my life in one morning I will be eternally grateful to my Lord and Savior. I would have much rather had that experience in its entirety at our church pastor, but like we discussed, it would have been impractical for me to so do.

I have been to Christian counseling in the past regarding this issue and was treated as if I was living a sinful life, which deeply hurt me pastor as I am not. I will say, had this issue been a learned or fetish condition then I would have quite possibly agreed with the counselor. However pastor, I have had this desire, or feeling in my mind, body and soul since I was old enough to remember. It is not learned, but a part of my psyche. There is honestly nothing sexual about it. In fact the "female" side of me is very non sexual. There was at one point in my teen years the erotic thrill of dressing, which most if not all crossdressers experience, however, that has long since faded and now I do this as part of who I am not for any sexual pleasure or release. The serenity I feel when expressing my female persona is undeniably peaceful and comforting to me as well as utterly natural feeling. This is also a very typical feeling among transgendered people.

I will consider your offer to meet with this local counselor at some point, so please send me the name and number, as I know you will be on sabbatical soon. Presently I am in counseling with a therapist who has many years of experience in gender identity issues, so it will not be in the near future.

At this point pastor, I am seeking God's direction in my life more than ever before and I honestly feel as if I have found what I believe He wants me to do and that is to reach out with love, compassion and Christian understanding to those who, like me, have been dealing with this wide range of emotion from euphoria to self condemnation due to being trangendered and compounded by a faith in Christ or a desire to know Him on a deeper level.

I hope you had the opportunity to visit the links I provided to you. They are very informative and perhaps will also help you in your study of this issue and how you can better minister to the needs of transgendered people in Champaign/Urbana.

We, the transgendered are here pastor and we are hurting and we need Christ as much as the "normal" man or woman does. The fear of ridicule by our peers and excommunication from church because of something that is often a part of us since birth is unexplainable to those who don't understand. To feel like a church will ostracize us for who we are and how God made us is a terrible thing to have to live with pastor. It keeps us from the loving arms of the Father above due to fear and unfounded shame. Transgenderism is not homosexuality. It is not a perversion or an illness. It is often a from birth condition that as many as 1 in 10 people deal with and most don't know, or if they do know, they have no idea what to do with it. It is not the sort of thing we discuss at a Men's breakfast, or a Promise Keepers conference, yet it is as real as any other emotion in our lives, often more compelling than we can deal with alone, yet the stigma associated with it keeps us from telling others, fearing what I have described.

The desire for me to attend a sound church with solid Biblical principals is what keeps me at our church rather than attending a church that simply accepts people of all types. The need to be able to express my love for God as my female side tears me up inside when I know I can't unless I attend a church that openly accepts all lifestyles, something in which I am not in agreement with. The tears I am shedding as I write this last paragraph are proof to me that God is speaking to my heart pastor. He has placed an immense burden on my heart, a burden that seemingly grows heavier each day, to reach out to the very people I speak of and I almost feel as if I can't, because if I do I fear that I will be labeled all sorts of nasty things from a homosexual to a pervert to a sinner who needs to get right with God, all because I was born with the knowledge that I am masculine, yet distinctly feminine in mind. That same fear pastor is why I continue to sign my letters as follows:

In God's wonderful and full love,

A member

Sept 30, xxxx

Dear Brother in Jesus,

Thank you for your email of September 29th. I have not been able to check out the web sites you gave me in your 9-24 email but will try and do so. As you can imagine with trying to leave on Sabbatical at the end of the month I am jammed! We have a big outreach going on this week with over 100 college students and the intrim minister and his wife arrive today, who will be our preaching/teaching pastors while I'm gone.

The counselor I greatly respect is (name removed) and his office phone # is (number removed). I just spoke with him again and he will be unavailable for the next couple of weeks as he is doing a big conference some where down south for a big church. He is a wonderful brother that I highly respect. He is located on (address removed). I do hope you will visit with him, he has much more education, experience and wisdom in this area than I do.

Speaking of counselor's/therapist's: is the one you are working with a true born-again Christian?

One more question. This would take transparency and trust on your part. Could I forward him the emails we have been sending each other? It would save you and him alot of time in history giving/sharing.

Blessings to you!

Pastor.

(note: this was the last letter sent to my pastor)

Oct 01, xxxx
Dear Pastor,

I so appreciate your attention to this issue, as I know you are so busy with all the preparations you are making for a sabbatical. I also want to again thank you for your prayers, I can feel them in my life and I appreciate it.

Feel free to review the links at your leisure. I feel that they all discuss this topic with great depth and understanding from the point of view of the transgendered as well as scholarly Christian understanding.

Thanks as well for the name and number of the counselor. I will retain it and will honestly consider prayerfully about meeting with him at some point. I can make no promises though pastor as I explained in an earlier letter to you I have been burnt in the past by "Christian counselor's" who wanted to "free me from this sin."

The therapist I am seeing now is not specifically a born again Christian that I am aware of. I did not discuss Christian credentials when finding help in this area of expertise, but rather looked for experience. I have just started sessions so I am sure I will learn more about this as time progresses. I did explain my religious convictions and how they play into my transgendered being as it is an important aspect for discussion and my therapist is well aware of where I stand on this issue.

Since the current exchange of email is anonymous (as far as I know, you still are unaware of who I am pastor and perhaps one day this will change here on earth or before the glorious throne of God at least :), I seen no problem with you sharing the letters with him. I thank you for asking first as it further shows me your heart and sincere love for God's people whom you have the awesome task of looking after.

On an unrelated note, but dealing with past discussions, I did a search on the "sin of Mixing" and I found a fantastic sermon by David Wilkerson which showed me that I am not engaging in the "sin of mixing" in any stretch of the imagination in "boy" or "girl" mode. This was very encouraging for me to read, as I know David's stand is very conservative and you respect his ministry as much as I do. His explanation of this sin is what you eluded to in your second letter dealing with clubbing, drinking and so forth and I am happy to say that beyond the overwhelming (at times) desire to express a feminine side in manner and dress, I am on the complete opposite end of the spectrum in that regard.

I have always felt that Christians need to act in a Christ like manner in all areas of life and I strive to do that when dressed in my "birth gender" male clothing, or when dressed "enfemme." Both sides of my life are dedicated to Christ and I work at living for Him regardless of my outward appearance. I have actually been able to minister to more people as my female persona in the past year than I have for many years as "male."

I will be praying for you and your wife during this sabbatical pastor that God will reveal Himself to you in new and wonderful ways and that when you return, you will have a clear fresh understanding of what He has in store for you and our church.

In the wonderful name Of Jesus,
A member.